it's not even 3:30 and i feel like i'm at a loss for what to do the rest of today. (okay, not in terms of actual tasks... i know i have things to do but more so that i'm just having no desire to actually do them. i would like to just go home and lay about and eat and do nothing. just like every night. how thrilling. are you sure they are the problem when it comes to your boredom?)
i keep getting distracted while writing today. i just don't really know what else to say. my thoughts are so circular. and so, so boring. i need something exciting to come into my life — and ! that's the problem yet again! such a passive thinker am i when i am wise enough to know that nothing comes into your life. it must be brought in, welcomed in, taken in. but very few good things fall into your lap without a touch of effort.
"you hate putting in that effort and i really wish i could understand why. is it that it's too much work compared to the lazy life that you currently live? but most people can be motivated out of laziness — you dread the reward that others get, the social time. even though when you get it (as in lunch today) it's really not so bad. really, it's not so bad. and it's good for you."
perhaps would become addictive too if it were your only drug?
and yet... to change is so... well, not difficult. but uncomfortable. and i don't do well when i'm uncomfortable. clothes, situations, and otherwise. i prefer a comfortable life. and really that isn't... bad to want. a comfortable life? i would be very lucky to live it.
perhaps my issue is i am uncomfortable on pieces of emotional furniture that just aren't made very well. and i need to spend to get the nice stuff.