Fictional Things and Love Things

And if those are synonyms.

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Published June 12, 2023

Sometimes, when I write, I have such vivid memories of things I've written before. Today, it's [REDACTED] that's creeping into my brain; the excitement of exploring [CHARACTER A]'s psyche as he feels feelings he's never thought he could ever feel. The way I wrote [CHARACTER A] was with such a pervasive sense of depression — not the melodrama, but the apathy. That life just is the way it is and nothing is ever really all that exciting in it.

And the sweetness of [CHARACTER B] being that excitement — and [CHARACTER B] being excitement that only [CHARACRER A] can really understand and embrace.

I find stories where the love interest is seen as attractive to everyone to be... boring.

There's something much more special to me about it being like, no one else can ever see you the way I do. And no one else can ever see me the way you do. And the ways we make each other better are obvious to the people around us, but they don't get the mechanics of it. It's why that line from "Everyone But You" always hit me so much... hits, I suppose:

"I fell in love, cause no one saw me the way you did — and no one's seen me that way since, but for a short time, it's how lived."

And of course that's evident on [CHARACTER B]'s side too, but that's a little too easy, you know what I mean? A broken person falls in love because someone sees them as more than their perceived flaws... I mean, that's nice, but I like [CHARACTER A]'s sort of depth-through-shallowness.

He's got it all, right? Handsome (relatively), a good family, decently smart enough. He's not perfect but he's good enough to be able to pick someone pretty nice.

And he picks [CHARACTER B] because [CHARACTER B] makes him feel alive.

This has a similar energy to [REDACTED], weirdly? I think it's the flatness of these characters that really speaks to me. I both see myself in that quality, and am attracted to it. We all know what my favorite kind of man is: tall, dark, handsome and emotionally unavailable on the surface level. The Darcy's of the world. Except most of them are not really capable of change the way Darcy is but yknow... A girl can dream, and dream, and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and

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A few thoughts from the other day...

i love when people give me reasons to not care about him. i just... they can't take me seriously — and i'm not saying i should be taken that way, but that if someone really loved me... they wouldn't make certain choices, right?

so it does make it way easier for me to be able to say you know what — fuck off. i'm dropping you as soon as you become inconvenient for me. it's scary how easy it is to want to treat others cruely, if i'm honest. and i don't know why i want to do that (entertainment? vengeance? some prideful sense? a sense of control? a sense of... brutality?) but sometimes i do.

it has to be about control. it's always about control. just like with work — slowly but surely. my life is getting back under it, subjucated by my own hand.

i really get the sense that i'm going to meet someone soon. i'm not going to force it, but it just has to happen, doesn't it? it just has to happen.