Yesterday, I saw a lot of people queued up for... something. I kept asking people in line what they're waiting for, and the only answer I got was "I don't know." I feel very much like that's a metaphor for my life sometimes.
And yet for all I wax poetic about it... it's very strange how good I feel like my life is. It's been years since I've felt such a contentment; like a comfort with myself, that I'm growing in ways that I like.
This year, I think, was my time in the garden. There was a lot to weed out and it seemed awfully hopeless at points, but now that the vines are secure on the trellis... it's all okay.
And... I like where the trellises are. I'm slowly shedding the idea of being a temporary visitor in this place.
For a very long time (most of my life; still sometimes now) I conflated "comfort" with like... a lack of drive. I think I didn't feel like I deserved to belong anywhere. Now I feel that belonging, and I haven't lost my desires to grow and change and learn and embrace the world in new and wonderful ways. It was never an either-or situation. I need to stop thinking of my life like it always is that way. Nothing is permanent but you can enjoy where you are... you can enjot the way it is right now. that's allowed.
This time of year makes me so grateful to live where I do. All the lights make it getting dark early so much more palatable. Plus, on my corner, they've set up a little tree lot. Every day on my way home I get to run my hands over fir branches and smell like sweet pine the rest of the night. Christmastime in the city is better than any time anywhere else.
I ought to share my Spotify wrapped here; maybe I'll make a little "shrine" to it. For now, suffice it to say BTS continues to be my top artist every year. I may dislike them as a group and find their fandom obnoxious but man did they know how to make music in 2018. Go listen to Autumn Leaves.
Okay, now that we're alone...
I'm going to write this here either to give my future self a fond chuckle or a sweet sigh. There's someone I met who might be the one. He's very tender; I've never met anyone so determined to spend time with me, when he has so little of it. He treats me like I'm a coveted, precious pearl. It's quite strange.
Cynical prediction: I will not remember who this is about six months from now LOL. But who knows... I never expected him to appear, so why should I think he'll go away?
Added December 2: I saw him again last night. We've met so infrequently and yet it's so easy to be with him. Like, I can just be myself and be a weird dork and he doesn't mind it.
It's a shame our desires are incongruent, for now lol. I hope he also feels the way I do.
It's cheesy but! He just gets me.
Who else would to ask me what my favorite dinosaur is in the middle of a make-out session? Like! He... yeah. He just gets me.
I'll almost definitely delete this since I don't want him finding it (as unlikely as it may be). But, I dunno. It's hard not to share. I'm smiling at my phone, and all that.